You Know You’re Aging When Costco Feels Like Disneyland

Things that start happening as you age:

1. You make noise just existing.
   Not emotional noise — like actual noise.
   Sitting down: “oof.”
   Standing up: “huhhh.”
   Turning around: “ahhh, yep.”
   Your body is basically doing a live podcast now.

2. Your favorite aisle in the store is the one with storage containers.
   If it organizes, stacks, or labels something?
   I will sprint toward it like it’s a luxury spa.

3. You require an exit plan for every event.
   Someone invites you somewhere and you’re like:
   “How long… exactly… until I can be home in sweatpants?”

4. One drink = Hangover Season.
   Not a day.
   Not an afternoon.
   A season.
   We are recovering until further notice.

5. You join the “nighttime vitamins and morning electrolytes” club.
   We don’t bounce back anymore — we pre-treat.

6. You say things like “my shows” unironically.
   If someone calls during my shows — that’s a federal offense.

7. You fully understand the power of saying “no.”
   And wow.
   That no is crisp.
   Clean.
   Unshakeable.
   Elite.

Aging isn’t the decline.

It’s the part where you become a well-hydrated, peace-protecting, knee-creaking goddess who simply does not have time for nonsense.